Too many songs...

I had a call with my production partner John last week, and we talked about what I wanted to work on next. I had sent him a few demos for singles, but as we talked, I started to realize I should maybe try to focus on the next album while I still have time and resources to do so, here in Ohio.

He was surprised to hear I had so many song! I guess I didn't realize that wasn't the norm? I write new stuff all time and I assumed that was the way most recording artists operate. He went on to tell me how many of clients from LA approach him to record and produce one very expensive single and then disappear off the face of the earth, lol. I knew my choice to pursue an album first was not conventional, but I didn't know just how uncommon it was to have so many songs in my backlog.

Making albums just makes the most sense to me. When I write songs, I typically write them in groups about a particular topic/feeling/set of experiences. I'm not really thinking about anything other than the usefulness of the song *to me* for expressing or moving through a particular emotion.

Because I write songs that look inward and try to satisfy *me* before anything else, I think of songwriting as a continuing journey and a tool for my mental health. To this end, I simply never stop working on new songs. I work on a song every day- whether that means writing something new, tweaking something old, or editing/ recording a mix.

Sometimes I worry that I write too much. Last night I realized I might have enough material for a 4th(?) album already... Honestly this concerns me. Being responsible for the upkeep and stewardship of another dozen connected songs is really not what I need on my plate right now... but I also know these periods of inspiration won't last forever, and it's important to give a new idea time and space to grow and develop when the feeling is fresh.

I feel like my music is starting to cheat on itself... like the constant development of new music might detrimental to the demos and songs that haven't reached their full potential yet... I recognize that it's important to give new songs attention, because the period of inspiration will not last forever. But honestly, if I never had a new idea for song for the rest of my life, I'd already have enough material to make and release music for many, many years... I have probably forgotten more songs than most people have ever written. (That not to say I don't take good notes about the songs I write, because I do recognize how important that is. I have literally thousands of voice memos and drafts (of admittedly varying quality) in my notepad...)

I guess I'm just reckoning with the reality that, for me, songwriting is not pursuant of an extrinsic end... but if I want to release more stuff, I can't let the constant pursuit of new stuff keep distracting me from the hard work of developing and refining existing material... And I *do* want to release more stuff. (because, as I've said before, I believe it is the obligation of a person who calls themselves an artist to actually contribute something back to the world they exist in.) I'm not quite sure what to do about this yet. I guess this is a good problem to have? But it's still a bit of a problem... different goals butting up against each other... I guess writing something new usually wins- because that's the thing that actually matters to me in the moment, and I keep telling myself that someday (years from now) this period of being able to dig deep and write songs that satisfy a real emotion will end, and I'll be glad I spent all this time generating the seeds while I was still able to do so. It's also probably true that the more I write new, the *better* I get at songwriting... If I had spent years refining and remixing the first songs I ever wrote when I was a teenager, I would probably be a lot less flexible and experienced as a songwriter today...

So, I guess, even though it's frustrating to admit that my goals are at odds- I need to make time for *both* developing the songs I have for release, *and* continuing to follow my ear and make new songs as they come to me... Which is a lot easier said than done 😅

Get your head on straight!

This week I've spent some time looking at all my current ongoing projects and setting some goals and priorities for the next year. I feel like there's just SO MUCH to do- and I need to be more intentional about where I'm spending my time if I actually want to see these things happen!

I'm at a point in my life where I actually have tangible goals, and achieving them means understanding that some of my other projects need to take a backseat. I made a list of everything I want to work on and then ordered/ re-ordered it until it made some sense. next to each thing, I justified why each project should/should not be a focus for me in the coming year.

Seeing everything written out like that makes me really excited about all the cool stuff I want to make going forward! It feels really nice to have a roadmap, and set clear guidlines for myself about what is/is not supposed to be a priority right now.

Not that I expect it to mean much to anyone, but after my list felt about right, I made more fun looking version by collaging together some art from recent tarot cards, and turned that into my new desktop wallpaper (which I attached to this post) It's more for me than anything else, but I want to share it because the process really helped me clarify my intentions, and maybe someone will feel inspired to make their own. I turned it into a wallpaper because I want to be able to see this list regularly, and remember where I ranked things, so when I'm at a loss for what to work on next, I have some guidance.

Minor Personal Crisis Averted 😅

Something pretty alarming almost happened to me this week. There was a situation outside my control that created a lot of stress, and sort of thew off my routine- I found it much harder to make my weekly posts (to say the least...) The specific circumstances are not important, but I almost lost a pretty significant amount of money. There was a misunderstanding/ miscommunication about budgets with a company I was working with on an a project (entirely unrelated to my music.)

It wasn't so much money that it would immediately ruin my life, but it was enough that I had to do some serious self reflection. It forced me to consider what money really is/means to me at this moment in my life- and what a loss like that would mean for my future.

I realized that money (for me, right now) represents potential. I'm in a chapter of my life where money is saved to be spent on bigger and better projects and to make major moves that will set me up for the life I want to have. I'm still paying off student loans and trying to fund albums, etc... Losing a lot of money like that would have meant less capacity to do the kind of exciting big projects I want to do- and that was a serious wake up call!

This acute stress actually forced me to clarify what I can/ should/ want to be using that money for. It forced me to prioritize my ambitions in a way that was a actually very productive and honest.

I also had a sort of emotional awakening through this experience too. I think, deep down, I thought I was immune to loss as long as I stayed in my current house, kept my current job, and just... basically maintained my current lifestyle perpetuity... but this incident shocked my reality. I distinctly remember sitting in my bed and realizing that everything around me is just an object, and that all the comforts and conveniences in my life are temporary, situational, and ephemeral. Owning something is just a temporary condition of that thing. This thought made me less afraid of loss, and less afraid of making big changes (like potentially moving or changing jobs someday).

After about 4 days of coming to terms with this impending loss... this morning I found out the situation got resolved (at least on my end), and I made it out unscathed... I can't say how relieved I was to hear this. I'm so thankful for the way this worked out, and even though it was a stressful experience, it was personally eye opening and I'm glad I had this moment of reflection and personal clarity. What a birthday present!